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Posts Tagged ‘shopping’

“The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”


Yesterday was the day that I finally mustered up the motivation to embark on one of the most annoying of all tasks for women these days… shopping for bras. I mean really, why is this such a damn chore? You would think with all of the innovatative technology of our day that it would be a cinch. They really should have the perfect bra by now… a magical one that molds and conforms for any woman… bubble boobs, teardrop boobs, pointy-down boobs, flat boobs, giant boobs, perky boobs, wide boobs, narrow boobs, swing-low boobs, and whatever other kind of boobs there are out there. Nope. Heidi Klum’s latest “design” is the so called “Perfect One”… well, I’m here to tell you that it sucks the big one.

When I shop, and I don’t do it often, I like to grab every possible item to try on and head to the fitting room once and only once. I chose about 30 different bras in size 32C, thinking that at least 1, and if I were lucky, 2 out of the batch would work. (I will be specific about the sizes so that those of you who know me may appreciate my ordeal even more.) Not a single damn one of them fit. I couldn’t even get them on, wouldn’t cover the girls at all! A couple of them were even 34C and they were too small. What in the hell is going on with bra sizes? What moron is sizing these boobie cups?

One would think that in this age of implants all over the place, soccer moms and school teachers and the like, not to mention the increase in breast size in young girls from all of the hormones in meat, that bra makers would make the cups BIGGER. Why in the hell are the cup sizes shrinking… I can’t make sense of it for the life of me.

I summoned the fitting room attendant by way of the push button inside of the room and told her that none of them worked. Blonde girl with massive amounts of black eyeliner looked at me like I was a dumbass, as if she were thinking, “damn lady, how did you get as old as you are and be so clueless about yourself?” She stepped away and returned with the measuring tape. She informed me that I am a 34C, and then added that the bra I was wearing was a full size too small. She left, I took the bra off and checked the tag, it was a 34C. A moment later she delivered a box of their “most popular styles” so that I could try every 34C they had to offer. A ‘C’ is not a ‘C’ is not a ‘C’. The cup size does increase as you increase the measurement, in addition to the fit around the back. I stared at the box for a second and thought about just getting the hell out of there, but I persevered.

One after one, I was getting aggravated as all get out. If the cup fit around the full circumference of my boob, the bra would pucker at the top… and if I tightened the straps to remedy the pucker, I would form a double-boob situation squishing outta the tops of the cups, wtf?!?

The most ridiculous was yet to come. I tried on the 7-way bra because it can be strapless, etc. and so on. I like multi-functional thingees. I fastened the 34C and I looked like a damn mess! I requested my patient helper/consultant with the black eyeliner one more time, and she agreed that it did not work and said that she would fetch me a D-cup. Are you friggin’ kidding me?! Gaw.

I put on the D’s and she confirmed that it was the perfect fit. My question is, if I have to wear a D, what in the hell are the women supposed to do who actually have large boobies? Vic’s sizes only go up to a DD. Does everyone else have to shop at some speciality store for freakishly large boobs and pay more $ because their boobage girth surpassed the mainstream (according to delusional designers)? Do they, the bra fairies, think they are tricking us into thinking our boobs are whopping knockers when they are really just somewhere in the middle of the pack. If I were still a teenager, it may tickle me to have to buy a “bigger” bra, but at this age, really. Do they think all women get a self-esteem boost by having a different letter on our bra tag? How insulting.

When I first got boobs in my teen years, I remember wanting bigger ones. I think most girls did back then unless they were part of the big tit club from puberty. I know I’m not a member of the IBTC, but I don’t have knockers either… and no offense to anyone who has the big girls, but I wouldn’t want mine any bigger than they are.

I do wonder if you chicas out there have had this experience yourself. BTW, I have shopped for bras at many different types of stores… I just happened to have a gift card for Vic’s Secret, and their bras do seem to last longer.

To wrap up, I finally found a style that didn’t have any padding, push-cushion, or other contraption, just lightly lined so as to not be transparent, that fits well and is comfortable (as far as bras go). I have written many a college paper and/or extensive scientific lab report in my day in far less time than it took me to find a holster for my boobies. The things we spend our time on in life, pfft.

saggy boobs

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